As the Silver Thingymabob
by Sai du Chickens
Summary: Originally written for 30minutefics' soap opera challenge on LiveJournal. Hermione's in St. Mungo's, Sirius is in Milwaukee, Draco is out cold, and darn near everyone's in love. Implied slash.
1. Episode 1

INT SCENE: CORRIDOR IN ST. MUNGO'S   


(HARRY and RON are pacing nervously.) 

RON  
D'you think she's okay? 

HARRY  
I don't know.   
(removes glasses, toys with them, puts them back on)  
I just don't know. 

(A door opens near them. HERMIONE steps out, a grim look on her face. HARRY and RON rush up to her.) 

HARRY  
What is it? 

HERMIONE  
It's terrible. 

RON  
Is it fatal? 

HERMIONE  
Worse. 

RON and HARRY  
Worse? 

HERMIONE  
I'm...I'm pregnant. 

(HARRY and RON look at each other in stunned shock. RON looks back at HERMIONE.) 

RON  
Well, I will take full responsibility for what I've done, and I'll do everything I can to support you and our child. 

(HERMIONE puts her face in her hands) 

HARRY  
What? 

RON  
Yes, Harry. It was me. 

HARRY  
But...but I thought...it was me. 

(RON and HARRY look at each other again, then back at HERMIONE) 

HERMIONE  
Well...it could be either of you...or... 

RON and HARRY  
Or? 

HERMIONE  
Or Draco... 

RON  
Draco? 

HERMIONE  
Or Blaise...or Dean...or Seamus... 

FADE OUT 

SCENE: INT GREAT HALL 

(It is breakfast, and the hall is filled with students. HARRY, RON, DEAN, and SEAMUS sit apart from the rest of the Gryffindors. HERMIONE is conspicuously absent.) 

RON  
...Well. 

DEAN  
Yes. 

HARRY  
Exactly. 

SEAMUS  
Think we should invite Draco and Blaise over? 

HARRY and RON  
No!

SEAMUS  
Just asking. 

(DRACO walks over.) 

DRACO  
Potter, I need to talk to you. 

HARRY  
We're all in the same boat here, Malfoy. 

DRACO  
No. Alone. Let's go outside. 

HARRY  
Given the situation, I'll actually go with you. 

SCENE: EXT HOGWARTS 

(HARRY and DRACO walk across the castle grounds, which are otherwise empty of students.) 

DRACO  
Potter, I have a confession to make. 

HARRY  
Hermione already told us. 

DRACO  
No...something else. 

(HARRY stops walking and looks at DRACO.) 

DRACO  
Granger...Granger was just a way to get to you, Potter. You're the one I've really cared about. 

HARRY  
Me? 

DRACO  
Those toneless muscles, that malnourished physique, those geeky glasses...you don't know how many nights I've kept the rest of the boys awake, polishing my wand and screaming your name. 

HARRY  
Draco...I never knew... 

(They lean in to kiss, but are interrupted by the sudden appearance of LUPIN flying in low over them. LUPIN lands and runs to HARRY.) 

LUPIN  
Harry! You'll never believe it! Sirius is alive! 

HARRY  
What? 

LUPIN  
It was his long-lost evil twin brother who was actually killed in the Ministry! Sirius has been hiding out in Milwaukee for the last six months, while his evil twin Polyjuiced himself into Kreacher! But he's just come back, and we're getting married! 

HARRY  
That's wonderful! 

DRACO  
Potter... 

HARRY  
Yes? 

DRACO  
What do you say we make it a double wedding? 

HARRY  
Yes! 

(HARRY runs towards DRACO with outstretched arms, but they are once again interrupted as a stray Bludger hits DRACO in the head. DRACO collapses to the ground.) 

HARRY  
Draco! My love! 

LUPIN  
Let me take care of this. In my ostracism from the wizarding world for so many years, I became a Muggle doctor. They fired me when they noticed that I ate my patients, but I've had the training nonetheless. Step aside, Harry! 

(LUPIN kneels down and checks DRACO's pulse. LUPIN stands back up, shaking his head.) 

LUPIN  
He's in a coma, Harry. He'll probably be out of it whenever we need a new dramatic plot twist, and I don't foresee that happening anytme soon. 

HARRY  
Why not? 

LUPIN  
Because here comes Hermione. 

(HERMIONE runs towards them.) 

HERMIONE  
Harry! I know who the father is! 

HARRY  
Who? 

HERMIONE  
It's Blaise! Except Blaise isn't really Blaise! 

HARRY  
Who is he? 

HERMIONE  
He's actually Professor McGonagall as a boy! Apparently there was a terrible Time-Turner accident which not only set him back in time fifty years, it changed his gender! Now that we've realized it, Blaise disappeared due to the sheer bizarreness of it all, and Professor McGonagall and I are going to raise the baby together! 

FADE OUT 

VO  
Tune in tomorrow for the continuation of "As The Silver Thingymabob in Dumbledore's Office Turns", in which we learn that Snape has a disease which can only be cured by the fulfillment of an evil plan hatched by Dumbledore, the true extent of Padma and Parvati's relationship is revealed, and we find out the true identity of Percy! 


	2. Episode 2

VO  
Last time, we discovered that Hermione was pregnant with McGonagall's baby, Sirius was alive and well, and Draco had been sent into a coma just after proposing to Harry. What's in store this week? Find out...

INT SCENE: HOGWARTS INFIRMARY 

(HARRY is seated next to DRACO'S bed in tears. LUPIN and HERMIONE are sitting with him.) 

LUPIN  
Sucks about your boyfriend, Harry. 

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.) 

LUPIN  
Hmm. I did a lot of nasty things with Sirius's evil twin. I think I need to go wash myself. Is there a bathroom in this place anywhere? 

(Exit LUPIN. HARRY wails incomprehensibly.) 

HERMIONE  
Um...so I was reading Hogwarts, A History the other day... 

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.) 

HERMIONE  
Okay, bad topic. 

(MADAM POMFREY and SNAPE enter at the other end of the room. SNAPE seems to be missing his nose. HERMIONE turns to listen in on what they're saying.) 

SNAPE  
I don't care what you say! This isn't a disease! 

POMFREY  
Just because we've never seen it before doesn't mean it's not a disease, Severus. It doesn't seem to be a magical problem of any sort. It might be terminal, but I won't make any firm diagnoses until at least the next episode. 

SNAPE  
It wasn't a disease! It was Potter! Potter's responsible for everything! Potter and his damned invisibility cloak! 

POMFREY  
Potter's been right here all week, Severus. 

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.) 

POMFREY  
See? 

(SNAPE grumbles under his breath.) 

HERMIONE  
Wow, that looks nasty. 

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.) 

HERMIONE  
I wasn't talking about Draco, Harry. Look. 

(HERMIONE points at SNAPE. HARRY begins to wail incomprehensibly but stops.) 

HARRY  
Wow. Cool. 

HERMIONE  
It's not cool! It could be fatal! 

HARRY  
Wow. Cool. 

FADE OUT 

INT SCENE: GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

(RON, DEAN, and SEAMUS are sitting around the fire.) 

SEAMUS  
Well, that's a relief. 

DEAN  
Yeah. 

RON  
Yeah, we won't have to worry about Malfoy for awhile. 

(SEAMUS and DEAN stare at RON.) 

RON  
You're right. We need a dramatic entrance or something. 

(HERMES makes a dramatic entrance.) 

RON  
Good timing. 

(SEAMUS and DEAN shake their heads. RON takes a letter from HERMES.) 

RON  
Why, it's a letter from my brother Percy! That rat. 

(RON reads the letter.) 

RON  
Ew. 

DEAN  
What? 

RON  
Percy's engaged to Umbridge! 

SEAMUS and DEAN  
Ew. 

RON  
It must be true. Percy must be secretly evil! 

DEAN  
Or possibly blind. 

SEAMUS  
And deaf. 

DEAN  
And insane. 

FADE OUT 

INT SCENE: DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE 

(DUMBLEDORE and PERCY are having tea. WINKY is huddled in the corner.) 

DUMBLEDORE  
Muahahahaha! I am secretly evil! 

PERCY  
As am I! Muahahahahaha! 

DUMBLEDORE  
Being secretly evil is great! 

PERCY  
Muahahahahahaha! 

DUMBLEDORE  
You really need to work on that laugh. 

PERCY  
Sorry. How about a demonstration of evil? 

DUMBLEDORE  
Okay. 

PERCY  
Watch me kick an innocent house-elf! 

(PERCY kicks WINKY. WINKY wails incomprehensibly. DUMBLEDORE sighs.) 

DUMBLEDORE  
I think I'm going to start calling you Hecubus. 

FADE OUT 

INT SCENE: HOGWARTS LIBRARY 

(HERMIONE is reading. HARRY is giving MADAM PINCE nervous glances.) 

HERMIONE  
I can't seem to find any references to a disease that makes your nose fall off. 

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.) 

PINCE  
Shhhhhh! 

HERMIONE  
The dramatic effect is kind of lost on her, Harry. 

HARRY  
Oh, okay. So Snape has a mysterious and evil disease? 

HERMIONE  
Apparently. 

HARRY  
So he's going to die? 

HERMIONE  
Apparently. 

HARRY  
So what's the problem? 

(HERMIONE is distracted by the sight of PAVARTI coming out of the Restricted Section with a book in her hand.) 

HERMIONE  
Harry, look! Pavarti has the book with the Polyjuice potion in it! 

HARRY  
Uh huh. 

HERMIONE  
Don't you dare wail incomprehensibly. I don't want to get kicked out. I wonder who she's Polyjuicing into? 

HARRY  
Man, not another dramatic plot twist. 

HERMIONE  
I think Draco's pretty far back in the queue. Let's follow Pavarti. 

HARRY  
Dammit, I said no more plot twists! I'm going back to the infirmary to work on my wail. 

HERMIONE  
Suit yourself. 

FADE OUT

INT: GRYFFINDOR GIRLS' DORMITORY 

(PAVARTI is poking around under her bed. HERMONE casually strolls in.) 

PAVARTI  
Aaaah! I mean, hi, Hermione. 

HERMIONE  
Hi, Pavarti. Sooo...what've you got there? 

PAVARTI  
Umm, nothing, nothing. Look, I need to change, so could you give me a moment alone? 

HERMIONE  
Hmm? Did you say something? 

PAVARTI  
Oh shit. 

(PAVARTI begins to turn into STAN SHUNPIKE.) 

HERMIONE  
What?? 

STAN  
Okay, I've been pretending to be Padma's twin sister all along. It made th Polyjuicing easier. 

HERMIONE  
But why? 

STAN  
Because I'm a perv, mostly. I thought Padma was hot, but she's only got eyes for herself, so it worked out well. Plus I've seen you naked. 

HERMIONE  
I don't know if I'm more grossed out by that or by the fact that you went to the Yule Ball with Harry. 

STAN  
It's a toss-up, isn't it? 

FADE OUT 

INT SCENE: DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE 

(DUMBLEDORE and PERCY are looking through some evil-looking books and some evil-looking maps and are generally being evil.) 

DUMBLEDORE  
This isn't that great of an evil plan, Percy. 

PERCY  
Well, fuck. Dollie said that if I don't come home with at least one evil plan, I'm sleeping on the couch. 

DUMBLEDORE  
Dollie?

PERCY  
Yeah, that's what I call Dolores, because she likes to put doll dresses on my-- 

DUMBLEDORE  
Sooo! Back to the evil plan! 

PERCY  
How about we add kicking house-elves to it? 

(DUMBLEDORE hits his head against his desk.) 

FADE OUT 

INT SCENE: GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM 

(HARRY, HERMIONE, and RON are sitting around the fire.) 

HERMIONE  
...So he's been doing Padma the whole time! 

RON  
I don't feel so bad about the Yule Ball anymore. 

HARRY  
I do. 

HERMIONE  
Well, we have bigger things to worry about. 

HARRY  
Like what? 

HERMIONE  
Lamaze classes, for one. 

(RON starts feeling around under his chair and pulls out a small object. He looks at it in horror.) 

HARRY  
What's that? 

RON  
It's Snape's nose! I feel sick! 

HARRY  
I wonder how it got up here? 

HERMIONE  
I don't know. It seems like an evil plan to me. 

RON  
Do you think we should take it to him? 

HERMIONE  
What does he need with a nose, anyways? Unless...let me see that, Ron. 

(RON hastily passes the nose to HERMIONE. HERMIONE examines it closely. RON quietly throws up in the fire.) 

HERMIONE  
Aha! 

HARRY  
What? 

HERMIONE  
This is the legendary Nose of Slytherin! if you cut off your own nose and put this in its place, you gain all the powers of Salazar Slytherin! 

HARRY  
Don't you mean the Nose of Vecna? 

HERMIONE  
Shut up, Harry. 

(HARRY wails incomprehensibly.) 

HERMIONE  
That's better. Anyways, it's supposed to give you lots of magical powers and greasy hair. 

RON  
So Snape doesn't have hygiene problems? 

HERMIONE  
Apparently not. 

RON  
Whew. Must've gotten that rash somewhere else. 

HERMIONE  
The problem is, now that it's gone, Snape is going to die! And once it's been cut off, the same person can't put it back on! 

HARRY  
Once again, the problem is? 

HERMIONE  
It also gives the person who cut it off a terrible communicable disease that infects the noses of everyone around him! 

HARRY  
Draco! 

(HARRY rushes off.) 

HERMIONE  
Well, there goes his nose. Don't drink after him, Ron. 

FADE OUT 

VO  
Tune is tomorrow for the next episode, in which we learn more about Dumbledore and Percy's evil plan, the awful fate of Stan Shunpike, what Hermione is really pregnant with, and see what's happened to Sirius during his trip abroad! Don't miss it! 


End file.
